BBQ

      Yesterday I went to a Young People's AA bbq in Albany Park.

My first real fellowship event. Funny how planning on what time to arrive, my mind whispered:"after everyone loosens up a bit."-  Yes Mia, with root beer. Silly billy.

We played Uno for hours, identified how alcoholic of us to not want to quit the game even after it got dark and we could barely tell the colors of the cards. How very determined of us to not give something up because realistically it just doesn't work. I felt like I was back in fourth grade, where things were exciting, competitions were fun, and no life threatening behaviors encouraged. I went to sleep tired, smelling of outside frolic and bonfire. Me likey. 

Found that I didn't feel odd or lonely in a crowd. I was very much involved in what was going on around me. That's big.

I want you to get excited about who you are,

what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you.

 I want to inspire you to see that you can go

 far beyond where you are right now

- Virginia Satir

Kime Buzzelli

We can actively create the excitement and the inspiration. Passively waiting for "the good life" is past behavior. Each day, this day, we can set our sights on reaching a goal - we can take a step, or two toward that goal. Progress is there for the making - achievement is there for the taking. We are what we need to be. We have what we need to move ahead.

look at these madwomen!

Recovery

To recover means to learn who we are, independent of friends, children, parents, or intimate partners. It means knowing how we want to spend our time, what books we like to read, what hobbies interest us, what our favorite foods are. It means understanding self-direction. It means charting a daily personal course and staying on it. It means defining our responsibilities and carrying them out.

Having an independent identity does not preclude depending on others for certain needs. We choose where and when to be dependent. Healthy dependency complements healthy independence. Recovery is giving me options. Each day gives me new opportunities.

Basta

***

coming back from work,

i tend to crave some pork

sizzling breadcrumbs and butter

  my heart in serious aflutter

I whip out my trusty fork

it's a new day after all

Doing well so far. it is not a competition at all mind you, this is life-long. Going to meetings every day.
Focusing on what I believe is important, and that would be HIM.

Almighty.

And I will not get furious over the most trivial matters. If I can't handle it, I shall just send it upwards, looking for answers. No, I'm not becoming a Jesus freak. Let's leave Jesus out of it. I'm simply answering to a higher authority, God. However I see Him, however you see Him, it doesn't have to be the same image.

A clarification

I've been half assing my blog. I've been pouring my whining and moaning onto these virtual journal pages, emotions that, as I thought, I could only cure with a real stiff drink.
The 'phase' i referred to earlier in this blog, is the time I had to wait to tell myself it's okay to drink again. Last weekend I finally seriously relapsed.
For the few that may know me, or look at this blog from time to time, the 'theme' is now going to be of healing and gaining perspective on e v e r y t h i n g. I lied to myself very carefully, I picked what kind of victim I will be that day and premeditated many seemingly impulsive situations. It is now my time to really face who I am, and I hope that at some random point what I write will be actually helpful to someone.

Cheers

Polish or Any neighborhood

City at night is it?

Those innocent hard little summer nipples of the red haired virgin who decided it is only classy to smoke opium in the den of her summer house, drink expensive red wine and occasionally puff on a joint or a well known cock.

They are all good friends, all of those fucking people. Sunbathing is not fashionable, neither is proper clothing.

Then on the other hand you've got the liquor store/bar that reeks of cheap cologne (painfully reminding me of how handsome I once considered my father to be) and fried chicken. Men (and women) after work. Tight jeans, perms, too much hairspray. Yes my dear there are different flavors in this world, so let us stop judging.

Going through some phase perhaps. But Ill take you for a ride if you let me.

Let pig be pig, pig won't run away. Im just feeling out my space.

And soon enough, Ill cozy up and be calm.

chillout session

Imagine a gathering where you are completely at ease. And I mean, at ease. No thoughts to bother you, no people to intimidate you, no self esteem issues popping out at last moment, preferably right after you had a great conversation and possibly a drink or two. Be easy.

Eat some canapes, all right, or eat a piece of brick cheese, don't make no difference.

There's a hookah room, they have mango and passionfruit flavors there, i choose passionfruit.

In another room they play live music, they also sing. In another there's dancing. And yet another, people are just talking. About everything and nothing at all. A toke or two is okay as well. No tv allowed. Human interactions enforced. So what, not adult enough? I never strived to be one. I can go through life enjoying fragments of it, instead of tensing up every minute.

HSP

Highly Sensitive People will take longer to make decisions, need more time alone to think, and are generally more conscientious. Anxiety is a big component of the HSP's experience. They suffer from what is called sensory - processing sensitivity and are more susceptible than ordinary people to both internal and external stimuli. They experience other people's emotions and they have an innate tendency to process things more carefully. They tend to be aware of subtleties and are therefore easily overwhelmed by their feelings. 

HSPs are not just people who get their feelings hurt easily. Part of the condition is having a complex inner life and an active imagination.

And given how beautifully they describe the pain that comes with feeling so intensely, creativity comes to them quite naturally.

Tsbeen some time for me to write anything, the reason for it may be my promise to not use this blog as complaint department. Quitting one job and starting a new one revived my creative side a little bit. Both Bear and I are going through serious changes, reevaluating our relationships, our friendships. We're growing up, and I couldn't ask for a better friend and lover. Things that surround us are changing, but we're growing together and it's a very precious time in our lives.
The weather's about to change for real Spring time, and that makes me so much more optimistic and excited about life.

of the earth, like tomatoes

New job, new possibilities, new ideas, freshly painted living room, satisfies me.
Challenges, it's good. Overall I need to wake up I think.

Sometime in my early adult life I've acquired this "I'll show them" way of life. Be it binge drinking, binge smoking, or just generally exuding a completely erratic behavior that shocked even the most unpredictable of my peers, always 'one-upping' them. It is now that I see I've turned this motto to the straight - edge areas of my life. Job-wise, never completely satisfied, trying to win a competition with myself, or with what my parents thought I would do with my life. Unfortuately there is only a few people, my relatives excluded that really know me right now. It is not supposed to be a rebellious statement either. I'm just saying. The more I get to know myself, the less of a grip I have on what I'm capable of, what kinds of extreme situations I'm willing to handle without a complete meltdown. I have to pat myself on the back, I've been pretty fucking hardworking and patient, and even with my head in the clouds most of the time, I found myself to be quite persistent.
Reading Fran Lebowitz right now so I'll just end by quoting her: "Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds".

Here's to my new obsession, Emmanuelle Alt. One sexy underdog.

noise

gosh im just so tired. tired. tired.
want to hide.

devil's pepper

A possible stomach flu leaves me no choice but to watch Rosemary's Baby, one of my favorites.

Crackers, rice and electrolytes for Pig.



Create your own world.

Not just in the city, not yet in a village. A big back porch, fresh tap water, frolicking unruly teeny brown chihuahua, sun rays.

The house smells of fresh wood with subtle citrus notes. In the garden there's tomatoes, apples, plums, walnuts, grapes, raspberries, blackberries, pears, strawberries and currants. My neighbor grows all possible vegetables and we swap our goods whenever we can so we never go hungry. There's a goat in my back yard, a sweet loving female. She's highly intelligent and curious. She loves to play with the dog.

There's music in the air, and it plays really light string quartet in E flat major.

I can serve you tea of any kind. Pastries to go with it.

Bear is writing in his nook. Tiny gray Bear hairs are showing.

february

finally got to me - im getting sick.
can hear that eastern european old man shoveling outside, feel bad for him.
brewing some hot tea (surprise), wrapped in my patchwork quilt. work at noon.
adventure is much needed. lack of ideas, inspiration, numb.

more

always want more - be it a challenge, coffee, goodness...

insatiable

not sure if thats a vice or virtue

for today*

The Master travels all day

without leaving home.

However splendid the views,

she stays serenely in herself.

Why should the lord of the country

flit about like a fool?

If you let yourself be blown to and fro,

you lose touch with your root.

If you let restlessness move you,

you lose touch with who you are.



Monte Cristo recipe it is not

We find ourselves snowed in on a day like today.

Made an egg white omelette with strawberry jam.

Healthy glow on a blizzard day? * it's possible

My latest obsession - the 'shag' haircut

I

I

I

V

Approachable is sexy to me,

Mystery has become overrated.



happy morning

***



Elegance is refusal

I apologize to myself for abuse that was absolutely unnecessary. stirred up anger inside of me. obviously some sort of an outlet is needed, and not particularly this blog, maybe add a little free week of hot yoga class, maybe that'll do the trick.
are you tired from living your life?
are you excited about new possibilities every day?
- no, this is not a job application questionnaire.

In any case, I used my last 3 days wisely - didn't move much, true, but caught up on movies and reflections on life - like I need any more of that!
Yesterday I saw The White Ribbon which terrified and excited me at the same time. Orderly living, disturbed, makes me blush. Beautiful it was.

I ended the day with The Game - another Douglas fix. Was tense throughout the whole thing.
Wanted to go to the buddhist temple in order to take part in their sunday public service,  unfortunately I do not possess pants that are not either dirty, nor jeans - which are not permitted at the sitting. Guess I'm just gonna have to restore my mind's order some other way. No, not drinking.

new day black orchid

climbing that rock

 I'm taking matters into my own hands, or at least I'm trying. I do not believe work should be a lemon squeezer till you run out of juice and you are left falling into bad habits you were working on improving for the last year. I'm not going to be a wreck of a person that doesn't have the time to spend with the people I love, or when I actually do have the time all I can do is vent about work. I will not be that person. Something must be terribly wrong with this system, and I will not just wait around to see what it is. They are right in one aspect: I am an ambitious go-getter and that is exactly why I'm going to do my best to move on if I'm unsatisfied.

Also I'm vacuuming my mind - these thoughts of having something done by a certain age - yea they're supposed to be a motivation, not a stressor. And there is a serious difference. What is life if we can't enjoy it? Call me naive, I'm just trying to get a bang for my buck (for the lack of a better expression). I'm trying to get the most out of myself, challenge myself, inspire myself and others, stay inspired, live in the now.

[thursday] a day off

Yes, I finally earned one. Got up extra early to make sure I don't miss a minute of not doing anything. Wrote my ideas about our products to corporate just to make sure I did something productive during the course of the day. No checking of the time, no hallowness in my chest, breathing at a normal rate.

Then I almost lost my precious brown leather gloves given to me by my stylish mother. Every now and then she'll see me and throw an array of classy pieces my way just to make sure I'm not off track. So i left the gloves at a store, got on the train platform, and just when my train was coming I made a decision to get back and retrieve it. It may sound really unimportant but normally when I lose or misplace things I do not think twice afterward. I believe it to be a virtue of mine. I like nice things but I rarely get really attached to them. And normally I would just accept the fact that the gloves are gone and would've gotten on that train. But not today. I was being responsible. Booya!

i feel stuck. im a firm believer in happiness as something we choose for ourselves. complaining is then futile.

 to be surrounded by lush greenery

bound by fine observations

licking my own hands,

that taste of lychees.



dorky pork

Oh, what a glorious morning!

I recreated what might be one of my favorite hot beverages - mate latte. Yerba mate tea, flavored with cocoa and almonds, steamed with vanilla almond milk. yum. Always puts me in a cozy smiley corner. As mentioned in a documentary I recently watched (concerning stress): one has to find one thing they really enjoy in their work, their extracurricular activities. Focus on anything. May it be this mate latte {that tastes like milky stimulant heaven} is my one thing I shall focus on during the next couple of days, work may actually be serene. It's really okay, I'm overreacting as usual. Everything is neat right now, no reason for pig freak outs. Reading a book on Stalin that might help me with my leadership tactics. Not kidding.

Day off for pig. Pampered. Watched Interiors. Drank lotsa tea. ginger and green tea mostly. Sat in a quiet room all by myself. Not going to comment on my antisocial behavior that's been happening lately, nor will I find any more excuses. I find myself so annoyed when people talk too much and too loud. I like calm environments.

blinded by the light

Getting off  a plane at some airport, I walk outside, completely overwhelmed by the luminosity of the bright blue sky, my cheeks warming up in the sun...I dont know where I am, but it doesn't matter, I recognize that good feeling of serenity, and I feel tucked in and sheltered.

There are highways that are actually made into loops like rollercoasters, but no accidents seem to occur. "Only in Utah"- says the sign pointing to them. I'm in Utah. Where exactly, I don't know. But it's utopian. Or at least it feels like it for a little while, until I decide to look for a place to eat. I walk through an array of commercial fast food places, all of them, and more. I wasn't aware of the ever-growing fast food industry here, all of the brightly colored logos, their uniforms pressed clean. No no-name restaurant in Utah apparently, they're all stacked together on one strip, all so well known. My hunger passes - indeed what a fancy!

bei mir bist du schon

this next 12 brand spanking new, squeaky clean months start NOW with a clean slate, ooh giving me goosebumps...

wishing myself even more every day inspiration, to never become Mister Brainwash in whatever shape or form. to keep my impulses to the minimum (let's stick to one haircolor shall we) and to always show my appreciation to my loved ones, to friends, to animals. to wear more skirts/? we'll see.