While strolling

Every once in a while I'll pass by an interesting couple. They seem to have natural style, a coolness about them. Dashing Couples 101? They decided to keep it fresh, playful. There seems to be a lot of imagination going on between those two..and that's really sexy to me.

Friday nite yall

6pm --> I have this feeling in my stomach like I wanna rock out, go out, blast some music.

8pm --> I sit in this great gastropub with 6 other women, feeling pretty confident, and I start observing a woman that's waiting for her table with a fresh chilled glass of some delicious looking brew. It was a dirty blonde color. She was having what I so aptly described as "the first beer giggles". A feeling of silliness, your smile doesn't seem to bother your facial muscles, your shoulders relax, you have so much to say that in response to a less than interesting conversation. The jokes, the sarcasm, flowing freely, good-natured.

10pm --> Packed myself into bed, going to a recovery website to chat with strangers about my feelings. Very 1999.

Irresistible, not the gin though.

All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?

 - Buddha

her

Ah, womanhood. a bit trickier than I thought. 

I am going to my last day of Intensive Outpatient program at Haymarket tomorrow, very stoked, enthusiastic, knowing that if I need support I'll be in their system for at least the next 10 years so I can come talk to my counselor anytime.

Saw my darling friend Angella today, my creative juices rejoiced (she inspires me so) and my understanding of others increased, such effect that little woman has on me. Hanging with her today also indicates normalcy, my life outside of the recovery programs, because at times it becomes overpowering and I'm a 26 year old woman, and I still get silly. I don't get into trouble however. At least not because of a wet or hazy brain.

Yes…

Good people around

Balmy Summer nights

Mocktails

Letting go of guilt and shame, forgiving myself

Summer 2012

Actions before feelings

Until a couple of days ago I've been mentally torturing myself over step 3.
Never really thought of myself as a controlling person until I've entered recovery. It is very difficult for me to let go of people and situations, despite all the meditations, yoga poses, buddhist books I can explore. I'm learning, slowly.
At the beginning of working step 3 I experienced so much goddamn anger and frustration I thought I'd burst. But now I'm a little more calm, learning to trust that god(as i understand him) will guide me through times of worry or anxiety.
Thy will be done

I do not care for:
-crowded places
-the smell of mulch
-creepy men (all men except for a few good guys i know)
-judging (one of my defects of character for sure, working on improving that)
-anxiety

I do however, care about date nights with my man. And tonight it's Mexican style. Cheese covered burrito here I come

what a saleswoman!

Never did I bother to think about how many different types of necklines there are (numerous).

I sold my first item (shoes) on ebay,

Ah the taste of success! 

As a proper addict I yearn for more of that feeling! 

Here it is, a way for my creativity to bear fruit.

Watching "Sylvia" to complete my Sylvia Plath study

We as human beings are worthy simply because we exist. 

We are here. Our worth is not based on our accomplishments or what we DO.

 It is so easy to see the worth in an infant, but when it comes to ourselves, 

we often forget that we were once an innocent and pure infant as well. 

Remember your innate worth.

-------------------------------

Started reading The Bell Jar. This is a book I should've picked up in my Women & Creativity studies years ago, but somehow found myself too stuck on Virginia Woolf. She needed my comforting and understanding I thought, and I found it a full time position. Speaking of, I decided I'm going to start selling clothes on eBay. Other people do it, why not try? I usually just collect all of the clothing I am no longer interested in and schlep it all the way to the recycled clothing stores, where they give me a lousy price for it, and then store credit (when Pig needs a 'new' pair of jeans). Besides, I'm not working right now since I'm at the Intensive Outpatient Program Monday thru Friday till 2pm. I want to bring home some bacon. Or if not bacon, then at least lean meat. Happy Tuesday y'all.

Riders on the Storm

Gently pass on by, flying high, take me on your flight

An eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks.

While all the other birds hide in the leaves and branches of the trees, the eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come.

When the severe weather hits, the eagle sets its wings so it can be picked up by the wind and be lifted above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it.

It utilizes the disruption to lift it higher.

All these different readings come my way lately, making me excited for the many choices I get to make in my life. Like having a baby one day. That thought led me to realize that I have never been able to narrow down baby names that I like, a couple for each gender. And since I like making lists, here's what I came up with so far:

• Ella

• Betty

• Ana

• Rita

• Nina

--------------------------------------------------------------

• Ethan

• Liam

• Roman

Done. 

And done. 

And no, I'm not planning on having a baby anytime soon. I just like jotting down what I 

like.

Cheers

butterfinger

My brother is an innocent little fellow

Perpetually smelling of butter biscuits. 

His dirty, sticky fingers after a day of mischief melt my heart. 

Such love I've never felt before. 

I'm here for you baby.

hot and bothered

A mighty hot day it is today. I've been running around since 6 am, had an appointment with a psychiatrist at Cook County Hospital (always a pleasure going there) waited 5 hours to talk for 10 minutes. Swell. That's what you get if you don't have health insurance kids...if you're poor enough you can apply for CareLink which is essentially government insurance, but you have to prove your poorness like never before. Bureaucracy, i love you.

I am now feeling cool. Cooling down with my new concoction: I brew a combination of loose teas together: chamomile, licorice, peppermint. Be generous with chamomile, as it has very delicate flavor. Steep it for 6-7 minutes. Add a teaspoon of ginger crystals, 1 teaspoon cane sugar, squeeze some fresh lemon into the mixture, leave to cool down a bit. Then stick it in the fridge. Come home on a day like this, lock the door, kick off your shoes, pour yourself 3/4 glass of the tea and top off with cool filtered water, some ice cubes….Mmmm

Not only will you feel chilled out as the chamomile soothes your senses, mint revitalizes, and all three teas are helpful with digestion. The ginger adds a little kick to it, tickles your taste buds. 

thirsty

Here's to:

* cultivating discipline within yourself

* doing the right thing even though you don't feel like it

* learning patience

* assertiveness with loved ones

* TEA

Pink cloud? Maybe?

To be on a pink cloud is to be in a blissful state, especially in early recovery. I had the pleasure  of experiencing it 4 or 5 months into my sobriety prior to my latest relapse.

It was absolutely paralyzing - I found myself sitting in a 12 step meeting, seeing everyone so very clearly, like my vision was sharpened by 50%. I had the ability to articulate perfectly my state of mind without being overbearing (I always try to make sure I add something that can be a reflection for others), I felt this radiance around me, like I'm gliding on air. Very fluffy, innocent, smiling. I didn't feel anything too intensely, like needs or desires. I felt perfectly content and at one with everything.

I'm finally making meetings every day, go to my outpatient treatment at Haymarket every day, Mon thru Fri, so I'm glad I'm active. And I feel so comfortable right now, how marvelous!

Nite Nite!

Finally watched "Marie Antoinette", what a beautiful movie!

30 days sober today

I'm still here

I'd like to think that GOD (Good Orderly Direction) has something special in store for me, but the reality is I'm just one person, and my responsibility is to live life joyfully. My responsibility is that of service. I have a lot to give back.

Mom visited for a little bit, along with my 5 -year old brother who I just wanna eat, he's such a luscious little person. I've never before had the occasion to actually interact with him, to talk to him, and for him to respond to me, since the last time I saw him was 3 years earlier. His brutal honesty is very refreshing in a world of diplomacy and manipulations. Most importantly though, I've developed feelings (I wanted to say 'maternal' but i stopped myself) that I've never had before. Putting someone's wellbeing before my own without any expectation.. It feels so natural, to protect the young one. So primal.

Love. Family. Lineage.

feel the freshness?

a New Day - Day 2 of sobriety

Good Morning all
I am in my 2nd day of sobriety today. I am fresh, I am ready to do things right.
I am ready to forgive myself. I know I need help from others, I can't do it by myself.


AA Meditation for the Day

It is a glorious way - the upward way. There are wonderful discoveries in the realm of the spirit. There are tender intimacies in the quiet times of communion with God. There is an amazing, almost incomprehensible understanding of the other person. On the upward way, you can have all the strength you need from that Higher Power. You cannot make too many demands on Him for strength. He gives you all the power you need, as long as you are moving along the upward way.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may see the beautiful horizons ahead on the upward way. I pray that I may keep going forward to the more abundant life.


I am an alcoholic and an addict. I love to gamble only too much. I need to face the fact that I might be a good girl when I try but I have an addictive personality, so monitoring my lifestyle choices is a must. Peace

what is sexy

looking at wedding dresses

Bear and I are being treated to a mini vacation this weekend - Saugatuck, MI.
We will stay in an adorable bed and breakfast…I'm really looking forward
to it!

This girl is just chilling

keep an active mind AND body. Beauty is
feeling comfortable in one's own skin.

starting an anti inflammatory lifestyle

20 instructions for life by the Dalai Lama

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R’s:

-  Respect for self,

-  Respect for others and

-  Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and

think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.