Sometime in my early adult life I've acquired this "I'll show them" way of life. Be it binge drinking, binge smoking, or just generally exuding a completely erratic behavior that shocked even the most unpredictable of my peers, always 'one-upping' them. It is now that I see I've turned this motto to the straight - edge areas of my life. Job-wise, never completely satisfied, trying to win a competition with myself, or with what my parents thought I would do with my life. Unfortuately there is only a few people, my relatives excluded that really know me right now. It is not supposed to be a rebellious statement either. I'm just saying. The more I get to know myself, the less of a grip I have on what I'm capable of, what kinds of extreme situations I'm willing to handle without a complete meltdown. I have to pat myself on the back, I've been pretty fucking hardworking and patient, and even with my head in the clouds most of the time, I found myself to be quite persistent.
Reading Fran Lebowitz right now so I'll just end by quoting her: "Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds".

Here's to my new obsession, Emmanuelle Alt. One sexy underdog.

noise

gosh im just so tired. tired. tired.
want to hide.

devil's pepper

A possible stomach flu leaves me no choice but to watch Rosemary's Baby, one of my favorites.

Crackers, rice and electrolytes for Pig.



Create your own world.

Not just in the city, not yet in a village. A big back porch, fresh tap water, frolicking unruly teeny brown chihuahua, sun rays.

The house smells of fresh wood with subtle citrus notes. In the garden there's tomatoes, apples, plums, walnuts, grapes, raspberries, blackberries, pears, strawberries and currants. My neighbor grows all possible vegetables and we swap our goods whenever we can so we never go hungry. There's a goat in my back yard, a sweet loving female. She's highly intelligent and curious. She loves to play with the dog.

There's music in the air, and it plays really light string quartet in E flat major.

I can serve you tea of any kind. Pastries to go with it.

Bear is writing in his nook. Tiny gray Bear hairs are showing.

february

finally got to me - im getting sick.
can hear that eastern european old man shoveling outside, feel bad for him.
brewing some hot tea (surprise), wrapped in my patchwork quilt. work at noon.
adventure is much needed. lack of ideas, inspiration, numb.

more

always want more - be it a challenge, coffee, goodness...

insatiable

not sure if thats a vice or virtue

for today*

The Master travels all day

without leaving home.

However splendid the views,

she stays serenely in herself.

Why should the lord of the country

flit about like a fool?

If you let yourself be blown to and fro,

you lose touch with your root.

If you let restlessness move you,

you lose touch with who you are.



Monte Cristo recipe it is not

We find ourselves snowed in on a day like today.

Made an egg white omelette with strawberry jam.

Healthy glow on a blizzard day? * it's possible

My latest obsession - the 'shag' haircut

I

I

I

V

Approachable is sexy to me,

Mystery has become overrated.



happy morning

***



Elegance is refusal

I apologize to myself for abuse that was absolutely unnecessary. stirred up anger inside of me. obviously some sort of an outlet is needed, and not particularly this blog, maybe add a little free week of hot yoga class, maybe that'll do the trick.
are you tired from living your life?
are you excited about new possibilities every day?
- no, this is not a job application questionnaire.

In any case, I used my last 3 days wisely - didn't move much, true, but caught up on movies and reflections on life - like I need any more of that!
Yesterday I saw The White Ribbon which terrified and excited me at the same time. Orderly living, disturbed, makes me blush. Beautiful it was.

I ended the day with The Game - another Douglas fix. Was tense throughout the whole thing.
Wanted to go to the buddhist temple in order to take part in their sunday public service,  unfortunately I do not possess pants that are not either dirty, nor jeans - which are not permitted at the sitting. Guess I'm just gonna have to restore my mind's order some other way. No, not drinking.

new day black orchid

climbing that rock

 I'm taking matters into my own hands, or at least I'm trying. I do not believe work should be a lemon squeezer till you run out of juice and you are left falling into bad habits you were working on improving for the last year. I'm not going to be a wreck of a person that doesn't have the time to spend with the people I love, or when I actually do have the time all I can do is vent about work. I will not be that person. Something must be terribly wrong with this system, and I will not just wait around to see what it is. They are right in one aspect: I am an ambitious go-getter and that is exactly why I'm going to do my best to move on if I'm unsatisfied.

Also I'm vacuuming my mind - these thoughts of having something done by a certain age - yea they're supposed to be a motivation, not a stressor. And there is a serious difference. What is life if we can't enjoy it? Call me naive, I'm just trying to get a bang for my buck (for the lack of a better expression). I'm trying to get the most out of myself, challenge myself, inspire myself and others, stay inspired, live in the now.

[thursday] a day off

Yes, I finally earned one. Got up extra early to make sure I don't miss a minute of not doing anything. Wrote my ideas about our products to corporate just to make sure I did something productive during the course of the day. No checking of the time, no hallowness in my chest, breathing at a normal rate.

Then I almost lost my precious brown leather gloves given to me by my stylish mother. Every now and then she'll see me and throw an array of classy pieces my way just to make sure I'm not off track. So i left the gloves at a store, got on the train platform, and just when my train was coming I made a decision to get back and retrieve it. It may sound really unimportant but normally when I lose or misplace things I do not think twice afterward. I believe it to be a virtue of mine. I like nice things but I rarely get really attached to them. And normally I would just accept the fact that the gloves are gone and would've gotten on that train. But not today. I was being responsible. Booya!

i feel stuck. im a firm believer in happiness as something we choose for ourselves. complaining is then futile.

 to be surrounded by lush greenery

bound by fine observations

licking my own hands,

that taste of lychees.



dorky pork

Oh, what a glorious morning!

I recreated what might be one of my favorite hot beverages - mate latte. Yerba mate tea, flavored with cocoa and almonds, steamed with vanilla almond milk. yum. Always puts me in a cozy smiley corner. As mentioned in a documentary I recently watched (concerning stress): one has to find one thing they really enjoy in their work, their extracurricular activities. Focus on anything. May it be this mate latte {that tastes like milky stimulant heaven} is my one thing I shall focus on during the next couple of days, work may actually be serene. It's really okay, I'm overreacting as usual. Everything is neat right now, no reason for pig freak outs. Reading a book on Stalin that might help me with my leadership tactics. Not kidding.

Day off for pig. Pampered. Watched Interiors. Drank lotsa tea. ginger and green tea mostly. Sat in a quiet room all by myself. Not going to comment on my antisocial behavior that's been happening lately, nor will I find any more excuses. I find myself so annoyed when people talk too much and too loud. I like calm environments.

blinded by the light

Getting off  a plane at some airport, I walk outside, completely overwhelmed by the luminosity of the bright blue sky, my cheeks warming up in the sun...I dont know where I am, but it doesn't matter, I recognize that good feeling of serenity, and I feel tucked in and sheltered.

There are highways that are actually made into loops like rollercoasters, but no accidents seem to occur. "Only in Utah"- says the sign pointing to them. I'm in Utah. Where exactly, I don't know. But it's utopian. Or at least it feels like it for a little while, until I decide to look for a place to eat. I walk through an array of commercial fast food places, all of them, and more. I wasn't aware of the ever-growing fast food industry here, all of the brightly colored logos, their uniforms pressed clean. No no-name restaurant in Utah apparently, they're all stacked together on one strip, all so well known. My hunger passes - indeed what a fancy!

bei mir bist du schon