8.26.2012

Inspiring chef part 2

Another fellow that shows up regularly on TV is Andrew Zimmern who, at first I thought was trying to trade on Bourdain's name by eating bizarre shit on his show on Travel Channel. The more I watched him the more I came to like him. This plump, jolly American chef was not afraid of a challenge, was respectful and polite, a nice counterpart to the sometimes arrogant attitude presented by Bourdain. Later on I found out he was, at one point in his life, homeless due to his drug and alcohol addiction. He hit bottom and was snatching purses in New York City for a living. Later he went to rehab; received treatment at Hazelden and has been sober now for some time. Even on his show, when he is presented with an alcohol infused drink culturally important to the country he is visiting, he asks a camera crew guy to try it instead. He doesn't make a big deal out of it, which is very moving for me. It is very inspiring, indeed, to see a person so involved in what he's doing, so passionate about life and still remaining humble. He is positive without trying to be anything he's not, and to me, that's a big part of sobriety. Remaining teachable is a highly valued trait, especially for us, addicts.

Nite nite! 

Inspiring chef Part 1

My first television crush happened between 2005 and 2006 (when I was still living at home with my parents). The crush was Anthony Bourdain. No Reservations was then a somewhat new TV show, Tony wasn't yet an acclaimed badass (at least not in my book), his show was randomly tucked in between regular travel channel programs, and I loved it. He was my secret culinary Jim Morrison of the 21st century, having international adventures that I yearned for (still do) and the freedom to roam (this part was just like any young adult's perspective, looking forward to be released from the nest). His book Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly only solidified my interest, as I learned more about his personal life, about his serious drug addiction, and the fact he was able to beat it and move on.
Once Tony and his show became more and more in demand, I stopped watching the series since popularity is a turnoff for me. This does not mean I'm a nonconformist. I just don't like being into things that are 'hot right now' or 'bestselling' or 'just released'. I usually wait until the hype is over and then slowly make my way towards that thing, in my own time. I'm currently reading one of his books, A Cook's Tour: Global Adventures in Extreme Cuisines in admiration, his writing is impeccable. After all, it is not his fault he got mainstream famous and I'm glad he's making a living this way, I mean, who wouldn't be?

8.16.2012

Cloudy Thursday

My sunroom - a bit less sunny this morning
It is grey outside, and I've got nowhere to go, bliss.
I'm looking forward to a call back about a job, an official call.
Meanwhile I'm brewing some black tea, squeeze a little lemon in the cup, write a post, morning news quietly buzzing in the background.
The weather is so comforting right now. Usually when I wake up and it's a bright, sunny day, I feel compelled to achieve great things because it's a great day. Now, if it's a grey day, whatever my achievements, they seem special. I'm pretty sure it's just my psyche pulling tricks on me.

OOOH! Was that thunder i just heard? Sure was! It is now officially a pig in a cave day, and I'll scrub this cave clean. 

8.06.2012




A suspicious mind is always ill-at-ease,
spotting hidden meanings nobody else even considers are there.
It can be a devastating way to live, 
viewing the world through a hyper-vigilant lens.

8.04.2012

Miroslava Duma



Here comes a Russian girl who is in her twenties, married, with a child. She gets me thinking that just as the world evolves, so does the ever-mocked Russian sense of style, consisting of EVERYTHING done to the MAX (stilettos+cleavage+mini skirt+loads of jewelry+loads of makeup+loads of hairspray=everything in its place, intensity, LABELS). 
The universal appeal to the masculine audience is so tired, while leaving something to the imagination is alluring. Personally, I find the messy hair look so sexy. 
This is a young woman who doesn't strive to have hollow cheeks but instead embraces her baby face, the muscles on her body aren't thoroughly defined, how refreshing!
Beauty.



7.26.2012

While strolling

Every once in a while I'll pass by an interesting couple. They seem to have natural style, a coolness about them. Dashing Couples 101? They decided to keep it fresh, playful. There seems to be a lot of imagination going on between those two..and that's really sexy to me.





7.20.2012

Friday nite yall

6pm --> I have this feeling in my stomach like I wanna rock out, go out, blast some music.
8pm --> I sit in this great gastropub with 6 other women, feeling pretty confident, and I start observing a woman that's waiting for her table with a fresh chilled glass of some delicious looking brew. It was a dirty blonde color. She was having what I so aptly described as "the first beer giggles". A feeling of silliness, your smile doesn't seem to bother your facial muscles, your shoulders relax, you have so much to say that in response to a less than interesting conversation. The jokes, the sarcasm, flowing freely, good-natured.
10pm --> Packed myself into bed, going to a recovery website to chat with strangers about my feelings. Very 1999.
Irresistible, not the gin though.

All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?
 - Buddha

7.16.2012

her

Ah, womanhood. a bit trickier than I thought. 

7.12.2012


I am going to my last day of Intensive Outpatient program at Haymarket tomorrow, very stoked, enthusiastic, knowing that if I need support I'll be in their system for at least the next 10 years so I can come talk to my counselor anytime.

Saw my darling friend Angella today, my creative juices rejoiced (she inspires me so) and my understanding of others increased, such effect that little woman has on me. Hanging with her today also indicates normalcy, my life outside of the recovery programs, because at times it becomes overpowering and I'm a 26 year old woman, and I still get silly. I don't get into trouble however. At least not because of a wet or hazy brain.
Yes…
Good people around
Balmy Summer nights
Mocktails
Letting go of guilt and shame, forgiving myself
Summer 2012

7.06.2012

Actions before feelings

Until a couple of days ago I've been mentally torturing myself over step 3.
Never really thought of myself as a controlling person until I've entered recovery. It is very difficult for me to let go of people and situations, despite all the meditations, yoga poses, buddhist books I can explore. I'm learning, slowly.
At the beginning of working step 3 I experienced so much goddamn anger and frustration I thought I'd burst. But now I'm a little more calm, learning to trust that god(as i understand him) will guide me through times of worry or anxiety.
Thy will be done

6.29.2012

I do not care for:
-crowded places
-the smell of mulch
-creepy men (all men except for a few good guys i know)
-judging (one of my defects of character for sure, working on improving that)
-anxiety

I do however, care about date nights with my man. And tonight it's Mexican style. Cheese covered burrito here I come


6.21.2012

what a saleswoman!


Never did I bother to think about how many different types of necklines there are (numerous).

I sold my first item (shoes) on ebay,
Ah the taste of success! 
As a proper addict I yearn for more of that feeling! 


Here it is, a way for my creativity to bear fruit.

Watching "Sylvia" to complete my Sylvia Plath study

6.19.2012



We as human beings are worthy simply because we exist

We are here. Our worth is not based on our accomplishments or what we DO.
 It is so easy to see the worth in an infant, but when it comes to ourselves, 
we often forget that we were once an innocent and pure infant as well. 
Remember your innate worth.
-------------------------------


6.05.2012

Started reading The Bell Jar. This is a book I should've picked up in my Women & Creativity studies years ago, but somehow found myself too stuck on Virginia Woolf. She needed my comforting and understanding I thought, and I found it a full time position. Speaking of, I decided I'm going to start selling clothes on eBay. Other people do it, why not try? I usually just collect all of the clothing I am no longer interested in and schlep it all the way to the recycled clothing stores, where they give me a lousy price for it, and then store credit (when Pig needs a 'new' pair of jeans). Besides, I'm not working right now since I'm at the Intensive Outpatient Program Monday thru Friday till 2pm. I want to bring home some bacon. Or if not bacon, then at least lean meat. Happy Tuesday y'all.


5.31.2012

Riders on the Storm



Gently pass on by, flying high, take me on your flight

An eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks.
While all the other birds hide in the leaves and branches of the trees, the eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come.
When the severe weather hits, the eagle sets its wings so it can be picked up by the wind and be lifted above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it.
It utilizes the disruption to lift it higher.

5.30.2012


All these different readings come my way lately, making me excited for the many choices I get to make in my life. Like having a baby one day. That thought led me to realize that I have never been able to narrow down baby names that I like, a couple for each gender. And since I like making lists, here's what I came up with so far:
  • Ella
  • Betty
  • Ana
  • Rita
  • Nina
--------------------------------------------------------------
  • Ethan
  • Liam
  • Roman
Done. 
And done. 
And no, I'm not planning on having a baby anytime soon. I just like jotting down what I 
like.

Cheers


5.26.2012

butterfinger

My brother is an innocent little fellow
Perpetually smelling of butter biscuits. 
His dirty, sticky fingers after a day of mischief melt my heart. 
Such love I've never felt before. 
I'm here for you baby.

5.24.2012

hot and bothered

A mighty hot day it is today. I've been running around since 6 am, had an appointment with a psychiatrist at Cook County Hospital (always a pleasure going there) waited 5 hours to talk for 10 minutes. Swell. That's what you get if you don't have health insurance kids...if you're poor enough you can apply for CareLink which is essentially government insurance, but you have to prove your poorness like never before. Bureaucracy, i love you.
I am now feeling cool. Cooling down with my new concoction: I brew a combination of loose teas together: chamomile, licorice, peppermint. Be generous with chamomile, as it has very delicate flavor. Steep it for 6-7 minutes. Add a teaspoon of ginger crystals, 1 teaspoon cane sugar, squeeze some fresh lemon into the mixture, leave to cool down a bit. Then stick it in the fridge. Come home on a day like this, lock the door, kick off your shoes, pour yourself 3/4 glass of the tea and top off with cool filtered water, some ice cubes….Mmmm
Not only will you feel chilled out as the chamomile soothes your senses, mint revitalizes, and all three teas are helpful with digestion. The ginger adds a little kick to it, tickles your taste buds. 
thirsty
Here's to:
* cultivating discipline within yourself
* doing the right thing even though you don't feel like it
* learning patience
* assertiveness with loved ones
* TEA

5.18.2012

Pink cloud? Maybe?

To be on a pink cloud is to be in a blissful state, especially in early recovery. I had the pleasure  of experiencing it 4 or 5 months into my sobriety prior to my latest relapse.

It was absolutely paralyzing - I found myself sitting in a 12 step meeting, seeing everyone so very clearly, like my vision was sharpened by 50%. I had the ability to articulate perfectly my state of mind without being overbearing (I always try to make sure I add something that can be a reflection for others), I felt this radiance around me, like I'm gliding on air. Very fluffy, innocent, smiling. I didn't feel anything too intensely, like needs or desires. I felt perfectly content and at one with everything.

I'm finally making meetings every day, go to my outpatient treatment at Haymarket every day, Mon thru Fri, so I'm glad I'm active. And I feel so comfortable right now, how marvelous!

Nite Nite!
Finally watched "Marie Antoinette", what a beautiful movie!

5.17.2012

30 days sober today