don't mistake my kindness for weakness

heard that phrase twice this week. very calming, no?

golly

my friend Lavender & Honey believes in inspiration mondays.

i believe in beauty. inside. 

cheap rhymes\an outlet no less

sunday morning

draw the shades

meditate thus

sharpen your blades

saturday afternoon

got real ballet slippers, and i feel like i can fly in them. a flying pig.

today is my 3 month anniversary in sobriety, and ill celebrate by going to another meeting. because that's what keeps me sane.

im starting to accept that one can't change completely. there are glimpses of obsessive behavior  here and there, but they're not really causing any harm. and you, blog, you are one of the few outlets that i have, and i need to continue venting here, if needed. 

Bubble gum makes me happy.

just like mine, only without the studs

Vous, en revanche... vous êtes innocente

them summer days

Getting immersed in my job, doing as my sponsor says 

A WORKER AMONG WORKERS. No need to stand out, no need to prove anything.

She's right.

Almost 3 months of sobriety, and I've reached the couple goals I set for myself

 on the 7th of May.

 But I don't want to be idle, I want to keep growing, keep evolving, collecting my pictures,  staying active in my relations with others, be of help. 

And not lose God again

be comfortable in your own skin

There's a bigger acceptance for older ladies to have peculiar tastes than for unconventional behaviors of a younger generation. Do we just call them hipsters, as if young people who like to perceive themselves as overtly complicated, want to appear as if they really choose their words but in a nonchalant way? I don't think so. A trend is somewhat different than a lifestyle. Although part of a trend could be a lifestyle, that's quite a commitment I suppose..

How about the young women who feel old inside? And I mean old in the best way possible. Vintage. How about those women who think Charlotte Gainsbourg is one alluring broad, gamine means provocative and tea parties sound like a marvelous idea?

Marge Gunderson

Marge is just… the most extraordinary character. Being police chief in a podunk town like Brainerd, Minnesota may seem like a somewhat unremarkable profession, but Marge makes it remarkable. She’s very intelligent, and unlike most of her coworkers she’s damn good at her job — she pretty much singlehandedly solves the kidnapping/extortion/murder case at the center of Fargo’s storyline, and does it all while she’s seven months pregnant! AMAZING. Equally amazing is how undefeated she is by the horrors she encounters in her line of work — there are countless police officer characters who are jaded or cynical, and Marge is neither of those things; she’s happy with her life, she’s comfortable in her own skin and her place in the world, she’s very principled, and she’s able to solve the most grisly, unpleasant crimes and still appreciate a beautiful day in Brainerd — she’s an optimistic, kind, and truly good person.

yum

I recently stumbled upon a Pad Thai salad, so fresh, so fulfilling, so very happy camper.
It wasn't home made, but I promised myself I'll make it soon. It's really really easy (easy is what we like in the kitchen) and nutritious!

Ingredients

Salt 
1 (8-ounce) package pad Thai-style rice noodles or whole wheat linguine 
1 cup mung bean sprouts 
1/2 cup chopped green onions 
1 (8-ounce) package baked tofu, cut into small cubes 
1 large carrot, grated 
1/2 cup prepared peanut sauce or Asian salad dressing 
1/4 cup chopped cilantro 
1/4 cup chopped roasted and salted peanuts

Method

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil; add noodles and cook until tender. Drain and rinse in cold water; drain again and transfer to a large bowl. 

Add sprouts, green onions, tofu, carrots and dressing and toss to coat. Transfer to bowls and serve garnished with cilantro and peanuts.

OR! a sweet chili sauce! 

BB Cream

Known as Blemish Balm Cream, it originated in Germany to treat people who have undergone laser surgery. It acts like a tinted moisturizer, giving a flawless, natural look while covering imperfections.
It's a fairly new product in the West, Asian women have been using it for a while now. Maybe that explains that uniform natural look thats soft matte yet dewy. Very desirable if I may say so myself.

To my dear friend Angella: Boscia (our one time much coveted skin care brand) has now come out with one of the first BB Creams offered by Sephora.
Apparently there's tons of different BB Creams available to buy online, so pick carefully, keeping in mind you skin condition/concern. Have fun!

its a new day

gosh i work myself up dont i?

and im feeling much bettah

and i miss my girl friends

 <3

on a friday night

im feeling reckless. i know this feeling.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change.

ginger ale in a martini glass.

everyone seems so far away.

I feed myself this.

Bullshit.

wednesday

A couple of weeks ago, my dear friend and I came to a conclusion that getting new jobs was my "thing". Anyone's got a thing, and every time she comes back from her travels, I tell her about a new workplace, what I do, what my coworkers are like. Right now I have to choose from two job prospects, but like Bear said, I'm in the driver's seat, so I just sit back and see what they got to offer me. This all sounds really arrogant, but I consider myself really lucky to have a dilemma of this nature, especially with today's job market. I hope to make the right decision, because this job will have to stick. I know it will. I've been looking forward to working regular hours like everyone else, and to be compensated fairly. I'm looking forward to the next couple of days when things will have to resolve themselves, but like always, I'm taking one day at a time.

Nourishment

coq au vin anyone?

One who understands the art of living will not be indulgent in eating, especially when presented with delicious dishes. When they are half-full, they will put down their forks or chopsticks.
These people will never have digestive problems. If you eat something delicious, and you want more and more, eventually you will have health problems. People with digestive problems often tend to be moody.
Because they have a lot of residue in their bodies, it is difficult for them to feel at peace. One with a good digestive system will have more stable moods. This is the real art of living.

Great Bodhi Mind

Dispel all pretenses and smile

In a composed and tranquil manner

Be respectful, wholesome, and sincere

As if the Buddha were standing before you.

Under all circumstances, we should look upon all people as if we are facing the Buddha. We should look upon all Buddhas as if we are seeing all people.

That way we will always respect and revere everyone with the purest and most wholesome mind.

The single most important aim in practicing Buddhism is to eliminate the fallacy of self. We should first understand that a "true self" does not exist; there is only a "conditioned self"- this entity that we call "self" is only a temporary conditional existence.

`at camp

Summer camp for children, ages 7 - 10.
Eating our fourth meal of the day in a community tent.

The country air purifies the blood and stimulates our appetite, we've been running around all day.

There are three different sandwiches, served by crusty ladies with mustaches.
These are:
`ham and tomato
`cheese and tomato
`strawberry jam

One cup of hot cocoa per kid, and the refills aren't available. It stimulates our sense of self-discipline but we're not aware of that yet. But that doesn't upset us, we all got our portion after all.
I make sure there's enough sips throughout the whole meal. First goes the ham sandwich, which is the most savory, next up cheese and tomato (slightly less flavorful, therefore prepares of me of what's to come).

My last piece of bread is decorated with strawberry jam, and it is glistening before my eyes. I've been looking forward to this moment. For every bite there's a sip. What a supper.     Satisfaction.

*let go*

Sit quietly for now and cease your relentless participation. Watch what happens. Life continues to go on - why are you so sure that your micromanagement of every moment in this whole world is so essential?

If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur?

Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water

Disentangle

    The Yogic path is about disentangling the built-in glitches of the human condition, which I'm going to over-simply define here as the heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment. Different schools of thought have found different explanations for a man's apparently flawed state. Taoists call it imbalance, Buddhism calls it ignorance, Islam blames our misery on rebellion against God, and the Judeo-Christian tradition attributes all of our suffering to original sin.
    The Yogis, however, say that human discontentment is a simple case of mistaken identity. We're miserable because we think we are mere individuals, alone with our flaws and fears and resentments. We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don't realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. The supreme Self is our true identity, universal and divine.
    Yoga is the effort to experience one's divinity personally and then to hold on to that experience forever. Yoga is about self- mastery and the dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and you nonstop worrying about the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence from which you may regard yourself and your surroundings with poise.

BBQ

      Yesterday I went to a Young People's AA bbq in Albany Park.

My first real fellowship event. Funny how planning on what time to arrive, my mind whispered:"after everyone loosens up a bit."-  Yes Mia, with root beer. Silly billy.

We played Uno for hours, identified how alcoholic of us to not want to quit the game even after it got dark and we could barely tell the colors of the cards. How very determined of us to not give something up because realistically it just doesn't work. I felt like I was back in fourth grade, where things were exciting, competitions were fun, and no life threatening behaviors encouraged. I went to sleep tired, smelling of outside frolic and bonfire. Me likey. 

Found that I didn't feel odd or lonely in a crowd. I was very much involved in what was going on around me. That's big.

I want you to get excited about who you are,

what you are, what you have, and what can still be for you.

 I want to inspire you to see that you can go

 far beyond where you are right now

- Virginia Satir

Kime Buzzelli

We can actively create the excitement and the inspiration. Passively waiting for "the good life" is past behavior. Each day, this day, we can set our sights on reaching a goal - we can take a step, or two toward that goal. Progress is there for the making - achievement is there for the taking. We are what we need to be. We have what we need to move ahead.

look at these madwomen!

Recovery

To recover means to learn who we are, independent of friends, children, parents, or intimate partners. It means knowing how we want to spend our time, what books we like to read, what hobbies interest us, what our favorite foods are. It means understanding self-direction. It means charting a daily personal course and staying on it. It means defining our responsibilities and carrying them out.

Having an independent identity does not preclude depending on others for certain needs. We choose where and when to be dependent. Healthy dependency complements healthy independence. Recovery is giving me options. Each day gives me new opportunities.

Basta

***

coming back from work,

i tend to crave some pork

sizzling breadcrumbs and butter

  my heart in serious aflutter

I whip out my trusty fork

it's a new day after all

Doing well so far. it is not a competition at all mind you, this is life-long. Going to meetings every day.
Focusing on what I believe is important, and that would be HIM.

Almighty.

And I will not get furious over the most trivial matters. If I can't handle it, I shall just send it upwards, looking for answers. No, I'm not becoming a Jesus freak. Let's leave Jesus out of it. I'm simply answering to a higher authority, God. However I see Him, however you see Him, it doesn't have to be the same image.

A clarification

I've been half assing my blog. I've been pouring my whining and moaning onto these virtual journal pages, emotions that, as I thought, I could only cure with a real stiff drink.
The 'phase' i referred to earlier in this blog, is the time I had to wait to tell myself it's okay to drink again. Last weekend I finally seriously relapsed.
For the few that may know me, or look at this blog from time to time, the 'theme' is now going to be of healing and gaining perspective on e v e r y t h i n g. I lied to myself very carefully, I picked what kind of victim I will be that day and premeditated many seemingly impulsive situations. It is now my time to really face who I am, and I hope that at some random point what I write will be actually helpful to someone.

Cheers

Polish or Any neighborhood

City at night is it?

Those innocent hard little summer nipples of the red haired virgin who decided it is only classy to smoke opium in the den of her summer house, drink expensive red wine and occasionally puff on a joint or a well known cock.

They are all good friends, all of those fucking people. Sunbathing is not fashionable, neither is proper clothing.

Then on the other hand you've got the liquor store/bar that reeks of cheap cologne (painfully reminding me of how handsome I once considered my father to be) and fried chicken. Men (and women) after work. Tight jeans, perms, too much hairspray. Yes my dear there are different flavors in this world, so let us stop judging.

Going through some phase perhaps. But Ill take you for a ride if you let me.

Let pig be pig, pig won't run away. Im just feeling out my space.

And soon enough, Ill cozy up and be calm.

chillout session

Imagine a gathering where you are completely at ease. And I mean, at ease. No thoughts to bother you, no people to intimidate you, no self esteem issues popping out at last moment, preferably right after you had a great conversation and possibly a drink or two. Be easy.

Eat some canapes, all right, or eat a piece of brick cheese, don't make no difference.

There's a hookah room, they have mango and passionfruit flavors there, i choose passionfruit.

In another room they play live music, they also sing. In another there's dancing. And yet another, people are just talking. About everything and nothing at all. A toke or two is okay as well. No tv allowed. Human interactions enforced. So what, not adult enough? I never strived to be one. I can go through life enjoying fragments of it, instead of tensing up every minute.

HSP

Highly Sensitive People will take longer to make decisions, need more time alone to think, and are generally more conscientious. Anxiety is a big component of the HSP's experience. They suffer from what is called sensory - processing sensitivity and are more susceptible than ordinary people to both internal and external stimuli. They experience other people's emotions and they have an innate tendency to process things more carefully. They tend to be aware of subtleties and are therefore easily overwhelmed by their feelings. 

HSPs are not just people who get their feelings hurt easily. Part of the condition is having a complex inner life and an active imagination.

And given how beautifully they describe the pain that comes with feeling so intensely, creativity comes to them quite naturally.

Tsbeen some time for me to write anything, the reason for it may be my promise to not use this blog as complaint department. Quitting one job and starting a new one revived my creative side a little bit. Both Bear and I are going through serious changes, reevaluating our relationships, our friendships. We're growing up, and I couldn't ask for a better friend and lover. Things that surround us are changing, but we're growing together and it's a very precious time in our lives.
The weather's about to change for real Spring time, and that makes me so much more optimistic and excited about life.

of the earth, like tomatoes

New job, new possibilities, new ideas, freshly painted living room, satisfies me.
Challenges, it's good. Overall I need to wake up I think.