look at these madwomen!

Recovery

To recover means to learn who we are, independent of friends, children, parents, or intimate partners. It means knowing how we want to spend our time, what books we like to read, what hobbies interest us, what our favorite foods are. It means understanding self-direction. It means charting a daily personal course and staying on it. It means defining our responsibilities and carrying them out.

Having an independent identity does not preclude depending on others for certain needs. We choose where and when to be dependent. Healthy dependency complements healthy independence. Recovery is giving me options. Each day gives me new opportunities.

Basta

***

coming back from work,

i tend to crave some pork

sizzling breadcrumbs and butter

  my heart in serious aflutter

I whip out my trusty fork

it's a new day after all

Doing well so far. it is not a competition at all mind you, this is life-long. Going to meetings every day.
Focusing on what I believe is important, and that would be HIM.

Almighty.

And I will not get furious over the most trivial matters. If I can't handle it, I shall just send it upwards, looking for answers. No, I'm not becoming a Jesus freak. Let's leave Jesus out of it. I'm simply answering to a higher authority, God. However I see Him, however you see Him, it doesn't have to be the same image.

A clarification

I've been half assing my blog. I've been pouring my whining and moaning onto these virtual journal pages, emotions that, as I thought, I could only cure with a real stiff drink.
The 'phase' i referred to earlier in this blog, is the time I had to wait to tell myself it's okay to drink again. Last weekend I finally seriously relapsed.
For the few that may know me, or look at this blog from time to time, the 'theme' is now going to be of healing and gaining perspective on e v e r y t h i n g. I lied to myself very carefully, I picked what kind of victim I will be that day and premeditated many seemingly impulsive situations. It is now my time to really face who I am, and I hope that at some random point what I write will be actually helpful to someone.

Cheers

Polish or Any neighborhood

City at night is it?

Those innocent hard little summer nipples of the red haired virgin who decided it is only classy to smoke opium in the den of her summer house, drink expensive red wine and occasionally puff on a joint or a well known cock.

They are all good friends, all of those fucking people. Sunbathing is not fashionable, neither is proper clothing.

Then on the other hand you've got the liquor store/bar that reeks of cheap cologne (painfully reminding me of how handsome I once considered my father to be) and fried chicken. Men (and women) after work. Tight jeans, perms, too much hairspray. Yes my dear there are different flavors in this world, so let us stop judging.

Going through some phase perhaps. But Ill take you for a ride if you let me.

Let pig be pig, pig won't run away. Im just feeling out my space.

And soon enough, Ill cozy up and be calm.

chillout session

Imagine a gathering where you are completely at ease. And I mean, at ease. No thoughts to bother you, no people to intimidate you, no self esteem issues popping out at last moment, preferably right after you had a great conversation and possibly a drink or two. Be easy.

Eat some canapes, all right, or eat a piece of brick cheese, don't make no difference.

There's a hookah room, they have mango and passionfruit flavors there, i choose passionfruit.

In another room they play live music, they also sing. In another there's dancing. And yet another, people are just talking. About everything and nothing at all. A toke or two is okay as well. No tv allowed. Human interactions enforced. So what, not adult enough? I never strived to be one. I can go through life enjoying fragments of it, instead of tensing up every minute.

HSP

Highly Sensitive People will take longer to make decisions, need more time alone to think, and are generally more conscientious. Anxiety is a big component of the HSP's experience. They suffer from what is called sensory - processing sensitivity and are more susceptible than ordinary people to both internal and external stimuli. They experience other people's emotions and they have an innate tendency to process things more carefully. They tend to be aware of subtleties and are therefore easily overwhelmed by their feelings. 

HSPs are not just people who get their feelings hurt easily. Part of the condition is having a complex inner life and an active imagination.

And given how beautifully they describe the pain that comes with feeling so intensely, creativity comes to them quite naturally.

Tsbeen some time for me to write anything, the reason for it may be my promise to not use this blog as complaint department. Quitting one job and starting a new one revived my creative side a little bit. Both Bear and I are going through serious changes, reevaluating our relationships, our friendships. We're growing up, and I couldn't ask for a better friend and lover. Things that surround us are changing, but we're growing together and it's a very precious time in our lives.
The weather's about to change for real Spring time, and that makes me so much more optimistic and excited about life.

of the earth, like tomatoes

New job, new possibilities, new ideas, freshly painted living room, satisfies me.
Challenges, it's good. Overall I need to wake up I think.

Sometime in my early adult life I've acquired this "I'll show them" way of life. Be it binge drinking, binge smoking, or just generally exuding a completely erratic behavior that shocked even the most unpredictable of my peers, always 'one-upping' them. It is now that I see I've turned this motto to the straight - edge areas of my life. Job-wise, never completely satisfied, trying to win a competition with myself, or with what my parents thought I would do with my life. Unfortuately there is only a few people, my relatives excluded that really know me right now. It is not supposed to be a rebellious statement either. I'm just saying. The more I get to know myself, the less of a grip I have on what I'm capable of, what kinds of extreme situations I'm willing to handle without a complete meltdown. I have to pat myself on the back, I've been pretty fucking hardworking and patient, and even with my head in the clouds most of the time, I found myself to be quite persistent.
Reading Fran Lebowitz right now so I'll just end by quoting her: "Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds".

Here's to my new obsession, Emmanuelle Alt. One sexy underdog.

noise

gosh im just so tired. tired. tired.
want to hide.

devil's pepper

A possible stomach flu leaves me no choice but to watch Rosemary's Baby, one of my favorites.

Crackers, rice and electrolytes for Pig.



Create your own world.

Not just in the city, not yet in a village. A big back porch, fresh tap water, frolicking unruly teeny brown chihuahua, sun rays.

The house smells of fresh wood with subtle citrus notes. In the garden there's tomatoes, apples, plums, walnuts, grapes, raspberries, blackberries, pears, strawberries and currants. My neighbor grows all possible vegetables and we swap our goods whenever we can so we never go hungry. There's a goat in my back yard, a sweet loving female. She's highly intelligent and curious. She loves to play with the dog.

There's music in the air, and it plays really light string quartet in E flat major.

I can serve you tea of any kind. Pastries to go with it.

Bear is writing in his nook. Tiny gray Bear hairs are showing.

february

finally got to me - im getting sick.
can hear that eastern european old man shoveling outside, feel bad for him.
brewing some hot tea (surprise), wrapped in my patchwork quilt. work at noon.
adventure is much needed. lack of ideas, inspiration, numb.

more

always want more - be it a challenge, coffee, goodness...

insatiable

not sure if thats a vice or virtue

for today*

The Master travels all day

without leaving home.

However splendid the views,

she stays serenely in herself.

Why should the lord of the country

flit about like a fool?

If you let yourself be blown to and fro,

you lose touch with your root.

If you let restlessness move you,

you lose touch with who you are.



Monte Cristo recipe it is not

We find ourselves snowed in on a day like today.

Made an egg white omelette with strawberry jam.

Healthy glow on a blizzard day? * it's possible

My latest obsession - the 'shag' haircut

I

I

I

V

Approachable is sexy to me,

Mystery has become overrated.