christmas candle and lights

make for comfortable nights

for snuggling under a quilt

is a relationship built

found on a sober blog, found it very helpful

I still pray, though. I have a clear sense that there is more to us human beings than our physical bodies. I believe that, if God/Spirit is “out there,” it is also “in here.” Prayer and meditation, as regular practices, align my will and my consciousness with the great flows of life—time, gravity, healing, love, and others that I don’t even know about yet. And Spirit.

When the prayer says, “Let not my will but thy will be done,” I don’t imagine a person. I imagine time’s will, or love’s natural orientation, or the healing body’s natural courses. Usually I perceive Spirit’s will. (Or even gravity’s will: I have more and more wrinkles and sags today than I had last year, talk about humility.)

There are some simple prayers I’ve been encouraged to say in recovery:

• Let me be relieved of the bondage of self, so I can better serve Spirit’s will
• Let me be relieved of fear and my attention be directed toward what Spirit would allow me to be
• Let me give my strengths and weaknesses in the service of Spirit, and may those weaknesses be removed which no longer serve others
• Let Spirit (not money, not social insecurity, not fear, in other words not self-will) direct my thinking, separating my thinking from self-pity and deceit.
• My favorite: I ask for an “intuitive thought” when I’m confused. I love this. Because this is another of my higher powers—the Intuitive Thought. It’s beyond me, bigger than me, and very powerful.

Higher power for me is not about belief. It’s about exercise. It’s about waking up. The 12 steps keep me sober, and they also wake me up.

NOT a masquerade ball

a new persona or a pomegranate?

Lately been pondering the ways people present themselves to the world. Specifically, myself. Today marks my 7th month of physical and mental sobriety and I think about all the ridiculous social situations I've found myself in the last 6 years. Fleeting friendships or acquaintanceships, who knows at this point which one was which?
This whole new business of being sober - monitoring myself and my behaviors especially with other people around, in social situations, can hinder my carefree self…I guess I have yet to draw the delicate line between the wonderfully adventurous carefree and the self destructive "Let's break some shit" me. As of right now, I find myself feeling a little disconnected, or distanced in most of my friendships. Not seriously detached, just cautious and awkward at times. And don't want to repeat mistakes of the past. Therefore I stop myself before I say too much or appear "too much". Always ending up being called the "crazy" one, the "weird and silly" one, I just want to be who I really am and not feel like I have to apologize for it. No point here in this post, other than I hope that this overly cautious stage of my life is temporary. Otherwise, whats the point of sobriety?

~Pig home alone

Bear's away since this Wednesday.

Wednesday - Halloween. The air smells different. Delivery pizza for dinner.

Thursday - Pig feast. Tomato and roasted red pepper soup (creamy) accompanied by delicious pastry bites with feta cheese and caramelized onions. Yum

Friday - 6:30 AA Music meeting (my home group; each week the chairperson picks a song that relates to recovery or addiction, we listen to it and then we comment).
Dinner: Wild mushroom & black truffle flatbread pizza. Yum

Saturday - Running errands all day. A handful of shelled edamame for lunch (lack of appetite due to self inflicted anxiety) finally leading up to a nice, comforting dinner: breaded chicken tenders, garlic butter mashed potatoes and steamed asparagus drizzled with lemon butter {wasn't patient enough to take pictures of my plate}. Yum.

Trader Joe's haven't failed me yet.

I really enjoy eating.